Never Gonna Give You Up...

Never gonna let you down, never gonna turn around, and hurt you...

That song has been stuck in my head all day.  I've been thinking a lot about this whole fucked up situation with my partner.  Emphasis on the fucked up part.  The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm being punished and how amazingly wrong that is.  Do I think that what I said was right?  No.  But, I did not mean for it to come out, I have done nothing but apologize since then, and I've done my best to be supportive of my partner's healing process.  But it does not really feel like healing from my end, it feels like avoidance, and that is not OK.

For two weeks, I have been pretty much ignored.  I got texts occasionally throughout the day.  But our conversations are minimal and banal at best.  There is little to no emotion from him.  Then, when I was having an awful day and just wanted him to be decent, that was too much.  I did not even ask him to try to make me feel better, I just asked him to act normal.  Apparently, though, that was too much, because he suggested we just get off the phone and I take the night to relax.  

As you can probably tell, I'm beginning to move into the anger phase in this situation.  Like I said, I get needing time to heal.  But shouldn't we be doing that as a couple, as partners working together?  Where do you get off cutting me out, ignoring me, and doing this by yourself?  That is not how this is supposed to work.

And what happens later on?  What if, down the road and we've got kids and a family, something traumatic happens?  Does he cut us all out, or just me?  What does that mean for the kids?  How are they supposed to cope?  How do I?  It's a lot of uncertainty that I really don't feel is a positive indicator in a relationship that you expect to build an adult life off of.  

Right now, I'm continuing on as I have.  I'm going to be patient, hope for things to get better, and go about loving me.  But that is not going to last forever, and when the time comes I'm going to have to give my partner an ultimatum.  I hope I don't have to; I truly hope that he will snap out of this and we can come back together to heal and grow.  If that is not the case, I'm going to have to put my foot down, set my limits, and if he isn't willing to work with that, walk.  I cannot, and will not, live like this forever.  It's putting a damper on my happiness and that is something I will not tolerate.  

Alla prossima, until next time.