Never gonna let you down, never gonna turn around, and hurt you...

That song has been stuck in my head all day.  I've been thinking a lot about this whole fucked up situation with my partner.  Emphasis on the fucked up part.  The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm being punished and how amazingly wrong that is.  Do I think that what I said was right?  No.  But, I did not mean for it to come out, I have done nothing but apologize since then, and I've done my best to be supportive of my partner's healing process.  But it does not really feel like healing from my end, it feels like avoidance, and that is not OK.

For two weeks, I have been pretty much ignored.  I got texts occasionally throughout the day.  But our conversations are minimal and banal at best.  There is little to no emotion from him.  Then, when I was having an awful day and just wanted him to be decent, that was too much.  I did not even ask him to try to make me feel better, I just asked him to act normal.  Apparently, though, that was too much, because he suggested we just get off the phone and I take the night to relax.  

As you can probably tell, I'm beginning to move into the anger phase in this situation.  Like I said, I get needing time to heal.  But shouldn't we be doing that as a couple, as partners working together?  Where do you get off cutting me out, ignoring me, and doing this by yourself?  That is not how this is supposed to work.

And what happens later on?  What if, down the road and we've got kids and a family, something traumatic happens?  Does he cut us all out, or just me?  What does that mean for the kids?  How are they supposed to cope?  How do I?  It's a lot of uncertainty that I really don't feel is a positive indicator in a relationship that you expect to build an adult life off of.  

Right now, I'm continuing on as I have.  I'm going to be patient, hope for things to get better, and go about loving me.  But that is not going to last forever, and when the time comes I'm going to have to give my partner an ultimatum.  I hope I don't have to; I truly hope that he will snap out of this and we can come back together to heal and grow.  If that is not the case, I'm going to have to put my foot down, set my limits, and if he isn't willing to work with that, walk.  I cannot, and will not, live like this forever.  It's putting a damper on my happiness and that is something I will not tolerate.  

Alla prossima, until next time.

Today I am starting a new project, a personal project, and I am calling it 100 Days of Me.  Since my last post, I have fallen into a bit of a funk.  Communications between myself and my partner have been strained at best and it is beginning to worry me.  That aside, though, I've been confronted with the fact that I have fallen into an old, unhealthy mindset.

I spoke with my Mom on Sunday about the issues I've been having.  Long story short, she told me I needed to love myself.  Regardless of what else happened, I needed to learn to love myself because I was putting to much of my happiness into this relationship.  It was a pattern I did in many of my relationships, I'm just one of those people that relies on those around me.  The more she spoke, though, the more I began to agree that it was not healthy.

So for the next 100 days I'm going to start spending time with me.  This period is going to be all about loving myself, practicing honest and nonjudgemental awareness, and learning to find strength from within rather than through my relationships with others.  I mean, I don't want to be that guy.  That guys is weak, he drains energy from those around him rather than creating a beautiful, two-way relationship.  That guy is a vampire, a soul-sucking fiend.

I know the next 100 days are not going to be easy.  This is only day one, and I have had plenty of weak moments.  My partner has not texted me or called me at all today, and that definitely threw me for a loop.  Rather than running to him, begging him to acknowledge me, I decided to sit with that discomfort.  Eventually, it led me on here to make my first post.  Honestly, I already feel better, but was a little disappointed that one day in and I was already having a bad day.  My goal is to treat myself with compassion in these moment and remember this is a time for discovery, love, and growth, not beating myself up.  For now, I'm going to meditate and sit with this for a while.  I'm excited to see what the next 100 days brings!

Alla prossima, until next time!

This week I did something I frankly never thought would happen-I hurt someone I love so much in a way I can't fix or take back.  I didn't lie, or cheat, or even physically harm this person.  Worse than that, I made a careless comment, without even thinking, regarding an incredibly painful part of this person's past.  While the moment preceding this comment was not in any way negative, the comment flew out of my mouth before I even realized I was saying it and I immediately knew the damage was done.

The person I have hurt is my partner.  We have been together through a very rock, off and on relationship for nearly four years.  Feelings have always been there, it's the logistics of a relationship that have always eluded us.  We haven never communicated properly, especially in conflict.  Neither of us have had particularly successful adult relationships in our lives to learn from, so this isn't exactly surprising.

However, this time around truly has been different.  Yes, I know how cliche that sounds.  My undergraduate degree is in social work, so i get it.  This sounds like one of those relationships.  But honestly, I don't care.  Things really have been different this time.  I moved a state away to pursue my dream while my partner is pursuing his own, and he still wants to put in effort.  That's a big deal.  We've also had much more productive conversations than ever.  For the first time I feel able to express whatever it is I'm feeling and be heard, even if I'm not agreed with.  My partner says he feels the same.  

Now the issue.  I won't go into specifics about the comment or what it triggered because that is not my story to share.  However, I will share my experience since.  Mainly I feel like shit.  What I said triggered something huge in my partner and has caused him a lot of pain.  I have a done nothing but apologize, rightly so, and yet there is nothing I can do to fix it.  He has made it quite clear that this is something he needs to work through and, though he's not sure how yet, all I really can do is wait it out.  I feel powerless, out of the loop, and like I have potentially ruined our relationship for good this time.  Potentially irrational since my partner says he loves me and doesn't want to quit over this, but as my Mama always says, "feelings are the least rational thing on this planet."

So this is where I'm at.  For now I will do nothing.  I will act normal and be there for my partner.  I have to constantly remind myself that this experience, while hard on me, is about bringing my partner some sort of healing.  If that means I have to sacrifice a bit of my own comfort in order to be there for him, so be it.  Learning that I can't always fix things on my own timeline is not fun or easy, and it definitely doesn't feel fair, but currently it feels right.  I will commit to this and hope for the best to come about as soon as possible.

Alla prossima, until next time.