My title for this week is in reference to an Andrea Gibson poem by that same title.  The video is here > > > > > > >












Unfortunately, my ending has not ended so well recently.  Made the decision it is really and finally time to disconnect with my partner of the last four and a half years.  I know I have been here before.  I have done this before.  I have said, "never again," before.  But this time things feel very different.

For the first time I truly feel at peace with my decision to be alone.  Not just not being with my ex, but being truly and completely alone.  When I started my "100 Days of Me," or whatever I decided to call it at the time, I think my heart knew where I was going but my mind just was not there yet.  Well, my mind is here now and I am working to truly embrace this.  I am going to spend this time alone, loving me, learning about me, building my own personal relationship with myself.

You see, something I realized was that my relationship has taken away something that I dearly love-the burning fire inside that makes me who I am.  Anyone who has known me for long enough will tell you that I am loud, outspoken, and maybe even a little crazy, but also that I am fiercely passionate about what I believe in.  Lately, though, I have not felt that way, and realizing that is what spurred me to make this change.

I want to feel the flames of passion inside.  I want to feel the excitement that comes with going to a job that you love and knowing that you are making a difference.  I have that, but I have been so disconnected from my experience in that.  It's time to make a change, and I am so ready.

Alla prossima, until next time. 

The last couple weeks have found me in an interesting situation.  Things were starting to get a little bit better in my relationship; we were communicating more and I was feeling better.  My partner visited this weekend, and things felt off.  Neither of us were feeling well, emotionally or physically, and we just did not feel super in sync.  I was not sure how to feel about the situation, and so I did not really say anything while he was here.

Speaking with my mother yesterday, though, I became a little worried.  I began to process what I was going through, and I was honestly feeling a little disconnected and uninvested in the relationship.  When my partner left on Sunday, I did not really feel anything.  We were also talking about Valentine's Day and how this trip was so draining that he will not be coming to visit then.  That did not bother me either.  After being used to feeling really ruled by my emotions, I did not know how to feel about this lack of any emotional response.

For class right now, we are reading Robert Kegan, specifically his theory about different orders of consciousness.  As I understand it, the second order of consciousness is all about having your own feelings and thoughts and recognizing that others have their own thoughts and feelings, the third order consists of recognizing that others have their own thoughts and feelings and also being able to accommodate those in your own thinking and beliefs, while the fourth order of consciousness is so much more.  In this area, you experience your emotions but they are not your existence.  As he puts it, you are able to have a relationship to what you are feeling, not just be ruled by it.

I wonder if, as I'm reading and learning about this concept, my mind is trying to apply it to my relationship.  The fourth order, which I initially thought sounded cold, does allow for much more freedom it seems.  When you are not just your feelings, I feel like you are free to interact with those feelings and claim much more ownership over them, thus allowing you to control them more.  Perhaps that is what I am doing?

On the other hand, I worry that I just don't care about these things because I'm disengaged from the relationship.  I would like to get to this fourth order of thinking and would love to have a partner that is there as well.  The way my partner talks, though, he is very much in the third order of consciousness.  Everything is about feelings, his, mine, others, and what those feelings mean.  I understand that, and can empathize, but I would like to move beyond that.  I just don't know if he is the person to do that with, because he seems quite caught up in feelings.  The way he sees it, he can't control how he feels, he is entitled to experience how he feels (which I agree with), and also that others should accept responsibility for his feelings.  The first and last point I totally disagree with.  But I don't know what that means for us, or at least for me right now.  I don't know, it's a lot to process.

Also, school is a lot.  Right now, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm spending a lot of time just getting things done so I can check them off my to-do list rather than really taking the time to engage in my learning process.  This is graduate school, and a program in education, so I am particularly troubled by this.  I am getting to a place where I will be able to contribute more time to my studies, but this semester came on so hard and fast that I'm not quite there yet.  My professor told me today to just keep trying, that that is all I can do, but in a way I don't feel good about that.  I feel like I should be doing my best, going deeper and deeper at every chance, not just getting things done.  But maybe what I really need is to cut myself some slack and do what I can when I can.  Right now I'm swamped, getting ready to go to a conference, and really sick.

I think it's time for bed, but this is what is on my mind.  Thanks for helping me process!

Alla prossima, until next time!