When You Can't Go Back

This week I did something I frankly never thought would happen-I hurt someone I love so much in a way I can't fix or take back.  I didn't lie, or cheat, or even physically harm this person.  Worse than that, I made a careless comment, without even thinking, regarding an incredibly painful part of this person's past.  While the moment preceding this comment was not in any way negative, the comment flew out of my mouth before I even realized I was saying it and I immediately knew the damage was done.

The person I have hurt is my partner.  We have been together through a very rock, off and on relationship for nearly four years.  Feelings have always been there, it's the logistics of a relationship that have always eluded us.  We haven never communicated properly, especially in conflict.  Neither of us have had particularly successful adult relationships in our lives to learn from, so this isn't exactly surprising.

However, this time around truly has been different.  Yes, I know how cliche that sounds.  My undergraduate degree is in social work, so i get it.  This sounds like one of those relationships.  But honestly, I don't care.  Things really have been different this time.  I moved a state away to pursue my dream while my partner is pursuing his own, and he still wants to put in effort.  That's a big deal.  We've also had much more productive conversations than ever.  For the first time I feel able to express whatever it is I'm feeling and be heard, even if I'm not agreed with.  My partner says he feels the same.  

Now the issue.  I won't go into specifics about the comment or what it triggered because that is not my story to share.  However, I will share my experience since.  Mainly I feel like shit.  What I said triggered something huge in my partner and has caused him a lot of pain.  I have a done nothing but apologize, rightly so, and yet there is nothing I can do to fix it.  He has made it quite clear that this is something he needs to work through and, though he's not sure how yet, all I really can do is wait it out.  I feel powerless, out of the loop, and like I have potentially ruined our relationship for good this time.  Potentially irrational since my partner says he loves me and doesn't want to quit over this, but as my Mama always says, "feelings are the least rational thing on this planet."

So this is where I'm at.  For now I will do nothing.  I will act normal and be there for my partner.  I have to constantly remind myself that this experience, while hard on me, is about bringing my partner some sort of healing.  If that means I have to sacrifice a bit of my own comfort in order to be there for him, so be it.  Learning that I can't always fix things on my own timeline is not fun or easy, and it definitely doesn't feel fair, but currently it feels right.  I will commit to this and hope for the best to come about as soon as possible.

Alla prossima, until next time.