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Something Better
Posted by Unknown
on
7:13 PM
It's been a while since I've blogged. My brain feels like it is going to explode with all that is running through it and I just do not know what to do with it all.
Grad school is hard. Seriously, the Struggle Bus is a thing. I feel like I am constantly playing catch up. I have three classes that require group/partner projects and they make me want to scream. My partner for one class is absolutely awful, and she is in one of my groups for another class. She never wants to do things in a timely manner; I'm pretty sure her middle name is Procrastination.
It all feels like too much. I'm trying to keep myself afloat and I always feel like I'm two strokes from sinking under the waves.
My job is not helping either. I'm so frustrated with it I can't believe it. I never thought I would be one to say this, but this University has no business having an LGBT Resource Center right now. It is completely and utterly needed, but administration did not set it up for success. By extension, I was not set up for success. And on top of that, my supervisor basically ripped me a new one that he does not like the way I am doing things and needs me to be better.
That was all I needed to decide to look for a different position while I get through my grad program, but it makes me sad. I wanted to be the trend-setter, the ground-breaker. I always told myself that I needed to be the one fighting the good fight. Now I feel like I am selling out. I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted with the work I'm doing, I am endlessly frustrated, and frankly I'm tired of having to be the one that is always angry.
Why should it be me? Why can't I have something that I do just because I enjoy it? Everything always has to be justified, explained, deconstructed and molded into something so obscure that it doesn't even make sense to me anymore. All in the name of creating Something Better. I get it. I really do. But I'm so tired of working towards Something Better, I just want something Good Enough. At least for now. I'm not saying I give up, but I need to find more balance. And this is part of that. So I'm going to step off my soap box, keep my head down and my nose clean for the rest of this year, and start up again next year in a position, hopefully, that makes me happier. We shall see.
Alla prossima, until next time.
Grad school is hard. Seriously, the Struggle Bus is a thing. I feel like I am constantly playing catch up. I have three classes that require group/partner projects and they make me want to scream. My partner for one class is absolutely awful, and she is in one of my groups for another class. She never wants to do things in a timely manner; I'm pretty sure her middle name is Procrastination.
It all feels like too much. I'm trying to keep myself afloat and I always feel like I'm two strokes from sinking under the waves.
My job is not helping either. I'm so frustrated with it I can't believe it. I never thought I would be one to say this, but this University has no business having an LGBT Resource Center right now. It is completely and utterly needed, but administration did not set it up for success. By extension, I was not set up for success. And on top of that, my supervisor basically ripped me a new one that he does not like the way I am doing things and needs me to be better.
That was all I needed to decide to look for a different position while I get through my grad program, but it makes me sad. I wanted to be the trend-setter, the ground-breaker. I always told myself that I needed to be the one fighting the good fight. Now I feel like I am selling out. I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted with the work I'm doing, I am endlessly frustrated, and frankly I'm tired of having to be the one that is always angry.
Why should it be me? Why can't I have something that I do just because I enjoy it? Everything always has to be justified, explained, deconstructed and molded into something so obscure that it doesn't even make sense to me anymore. All in the name of creating Something Better. I get it. I really do. But I'm so tired of working towards Something Better, I just want something Good Enough. At least for now. I'm not saying I give up, but I need to find more balance. And this is part of that. So I'm going to step off my soap box, keep my head down and my nose clean for the rest of this year, and start up again next year in a position, hopefully, that makes me happier. We shall see.
Alla prossima, until next time.