I have got some major emotional blue balls, and it's beginning to drive me nuts.  OK, maybe that's a little much to start off with.  Too vivid an image, perhaps?  I don't know, let me take a step back.

A few months ago, it was decided that I would be breaking up with the only boy I've ever loved.  (For the sake of ease, we will call him Jeff.)  Jeff and I had a ridiculously passionate relationship; we played hard, we fought hard, we loved hard and we broke up hard.  He was my best friend and my worst enemy.  During the three years we were together we both grew up a lot and learned a little more about ourselves as individuals, which eventually meant that we decided we just weren't good.

Granted, this "revelation" had been a long time coming.  We had been through more than one breakup with each other, so this really wasn't shocking.  I think what hit me harder than anything was the finality; this time just felt different.  When he left the last time I saw him, I could feel in my heart that I was likely never going to see him again.  Probably good for my sanity, but still hard to take in when saying goodbye to the person you have been madly in love with for the last three years.

Fast forward three months, and now I'm here.  I've moved 250 miles away to go to grad school.  Since we split I've been sort of floating by on the high of major changes.  New city, new job, new school... It is a lot to take in!  I've really enjoyed my "new life" and been settling in to all the changes.  But that transition time is over and "real life" is starting to set in.  Part of that is me becoming hyper-aware of just how alone I am.  It fucking sucks.

Mostly, I just have a lot of feelings.  I got so used to having someone around to kiss, to cuddle, to go to when I was having a rough day or to take care of when he was having a hard time.  No longer being able to do that is starting to take its toll on my overall happiness.  I think many would say that that's a sign that I SHOULDN'T be in a relationship, but who knows.

Is it really so wrong to enjoy having someone in your life?  People simultaneously say humans are social creatures and we need others, then say it's wrong to need a partner.  Well, which is it people??? I like to think I'm not stunted because I need someone in my life to give my love to.  I have a lot of it and I need to expend it on something.  Does that mean that I don't love myself and can't really love someone else?  I don't think so!  But who am I to say.  There's so much I don't know, maybe this is just one thing to add to the list. 

And the worst part is, I really miss Jo... I mean Jeff.  Harrumph.  

Well, now that I've confused and depressed myself, I think it's time for bed.  In all actuality, I enjoy getting all this off my chest.  It helps me process.  Eventually I'll have to make some sort of meaning out of my ramblings on here, but for now this is good enough.  So good night for now!

Alla prossima, until next time!

Definitely decided now is a time to start taking a bit more care of myself and to start expressing how I'm feeling a bit more.  I'm in a graduate program that is forcing me to spend a lot more time reflecting than I am entirely comfortable with, so I'm trying to practice a bit.  Not going to lie, this is a challenge; I know I have a lot of feelings but I don't often like to own up to them.  That involves taking some sort of responsibility, and I'm American dammit, it's everyone else's fault!

No but in all seriousness, I do have a lot of feelings.  I sort of feel like that one chick in Mean Girls that just wants to bake cakes and all that.  At times I feel incompetent, like I have no business in grad school, others I feel guilty for being here because I feel like I should be at home taking care of my family, and sometimes I feel totally great and just ecstatic about everything.  It's really a roller coaster.

I'm totally thankful for this experience though, don't get me wrong.  I love that I'm here, I'm so grateful that I am getting this opportunity, and I appreciate that someone saw something in me that I don't necessarily see in myself.  (Emo, I know.  Haha.)  I think I just really need to start being on top of taking care of my whole self.  I need to take better care to stay organized.  I need to stay on top of my work load.  I need to clean regularly and maintain my physical space.  I need to work out.  I need to take mental health nights and relax, shut down, and work on myself.  I was doing really well with this at the end of my undergrad career, and for some reason I let that sort of go when I moved and started grad school.  Just got to get myself back there.

Anyway, I think it's time for me to go to bed for now.  It's late, I just felt like I really wanted to get started blogging again and I couldn't wait to get something up.  I'm super glad I did, I feel on the path to recovery!  Haha.  Bye for now!

Alla prossima, until next time!